Stomach in, chest out

Exercising is not an inexpensive hobby or trade or necessity. In fact, my long years of research into the topic (14 minutes) has brought me to the conclusion that more often than not, it is the after effects of the same, which really causes wallet anorexia.

Take for example the case of Welfed W/ Westlin.

As with most people who fall into the above mentioned necessity category, Welfed had taken a liking to Bengali, Coorgi, Kashmiri, Rajasthani, Gujarati, Malabari, Canara, Chettinad and above 20000 Kcal type food. Be Indian buy idiyappam he said. And as with most people who share the same tastes, Welfed’s sides soon extended the capabilities of most doors in his house and after some seriously good looking women, with a fetish for paunches and jelly bellies turned him down, decided to retrench his adipose tissue. Welfed thought of it as his contribution to the corporate cut-down of the 2008 recession.

But Welfed was wary, having heard of the term trade unions while dealing with GAP garments, watching Battleship Potempkin, in a slightly more than less inebriated state, and serving notice for tax evasion. Welfed said to himself, “Gyms are for losers who want six packs, either to emulate their obscenely rich matinee idols or for genuine body builders and I am neither.” So Welfed chose the subaltern path.

After some serious hacking, which included dangling a subway veggie delite in front of the subject, I managed to get into Welfed’s email account. Yes it was Gmail, beanpolewillie@gmail.com to be exact. In Welfed’s task list I glimpsed the following.
1. one kg potatoes
2. 5 kgs beef
3. 15 eggs
4. a crate of Budlite

wrong list

The relevant list contained
1. Wake up, curse the world and sleep
2. Wake up again curse my decision to exercise
3. Curse the paunch fetish women for not inflating their fantasies
4. Autobots, roll out.
5. Skip for 30 seconds
6. wave hands in a random fashion for another 30 secs
7. push ups (Mwhahahahahahahaha)
8. Chin u……zzzzzzzz
9. Check pulse
10. call doctor friend if 9 does not exist or sounds like Death’s cover of Painkiller
11. treadmill (part of initial investment)
12. more skipping
13. call doctor again

After three full days of this above strenuous workout, Welfed felt confident, his pants felt looser and he could actually reach across the table for strawberry jam without using a Howjow patented magnetic magic stick.

Here is slimmer Welfed’s attempt to demonstrate the birds and bees story.

Bee: Wassup
Bird: tweet
Bee: Oh Mr External Affairs MOS, sorry

Bee: hows it hanging
Bird: whats it to you?
Bee (Whilst rubbing now flatter abs {snigger}): rub a dub, you and me in a tub
Bird: And what tub is that? The Arabian sea? Hehehe
Bee left Stung and buzzing, while admiring the sheer poetry in that brush off.

Back to the drawing and quartering board.

After several months of following the list to the number and letter, with particular emphasis on point 3, Welfed had actually lost weight.

Bee: Hey you, you aminal
Bird: OoOoOOoo La la la
Bee: What say we bust this joint and do the cha cha cha
Bird: Let me get the bill
Bee: make it quick

Cheers all around.

Three months later, in keeping up with the trend of small saving businesses, Welfed filed for bankruptcy.

Turns out that Welfed, who had forever been used XXXXXL clothing had now reduced to XXXXL and Welfed had to buy an entirely new wardrobe. Which cost a pretty paisa. And with his newfound confidence needed some swanky, snazzy design design stuff. However, the investment cost him much more than he could afford, all the while credit card companies kept reminding him that his unobtainium credit card was waiting, which he took and maxed out.

Now out on the street, Welfed was reduced to eating only at McDonalds, since Subway and bistros were out of his reach. Three days later, Welfed had put on all that weight again and now needed another new XXXXXL wardrobe.

Now Welfed can be seen late night on India TV where he endorses Munir Khan’s medicine.
“I swear, I reduced. I was 400 kgs some time ago now Im only 350 thanks to Body Revivial,” Welfed says everyday.